I spent a long time focused on saying the right thing and doing what I thought the world wanted me to do. I wanted to be accepted back into people’s lives. I wanted them to see that I was doing better.
I understand why I felt that way. But there was no peace in it. I was so focused on how I came across that I wasn’t fully showing up as myself.
I had to ask: If I’m shaping every conversation around the response I hope to get, are we really connecting?
What Changed
I’ve made choices I needed to own. Some of those choices affected people I care about. Taking responsibility for that has been part of my work.
But I didn’t need to become a different person to be worthy of connection. I am perfect, whole, and complete. My choices needed to change. The way I felt about myself needed to change.
That last part mattered more than I realized.
When I didn’t feel good about myself, I looked to other people for proof that I was okay. I listened for approval. I watched their reactions. Even when I meant well, I could make the moment about whether they accepted me.
As I began to value myself, I could be more present with them. I had less to prove and more room to listen.
Making Room for Another Person
Connection asks me to hear what someone is actually saying, especially when it’s difficult.
I may want to explain my intentions. I may have a different memory of what happened. I can share that. But if I rush there before I hear them, I’ve missed a chance to understand their experience.
Sometimes the most honest thing I can say is, “Tell me more.”
Sometimes it’s, “I didn’t realize that’s how it felt for you.”
And sometimes it’s, “You’re right. I need to own that.”
I don’t have to abandon my own perspective to make room for someone else’s.
Showing Up Without an Agenda
I can reach out because I care about someone. I can keep my word because it matters to me. I can be honest about where I am today.
What I can’t do is make those things a bargain: I did my part, so now you have to feel close to me.
The other person gets to decide how they feel and what they’re ready for. That can be hard to sit with. It also lets me ask a better question: Am I showing up in a way I respect?
That answer belongs to me.
The Connection I Can Build Today
I used to think connection would come when other people saw the changes in me. I’m finding that it begins with how I see myself and how I show up in the moment.
I can be honest without rehearsing the perfect answer. I can listen without making every feeling about me. I can take responsibility for my choices and still know my worth.
That’s the person I bring into the room today.
So this week, I’m asking:
Where am I looking for acceptance instead of being myself?
Am I listening to understand, or listening for reassurance?
What would change in my relationships if I showed up honestly and let others do the same?
Connection begins there.
Look deeper.
Mike
Real Raw Recovery
